This weeks style collective I am sharing with you all, is really only for one person......ME. I had intended on sharing this post two weeks ago the day before I was booked to have Fraser's c-section. But as you all know now, he was a little eager and decided to get the show on the road two days early. So please with kindness in your heart, I'm opening up to share something very private and personal with you all. It's a chance for me to take my full circle cathartic moment.The following post and picture was written and taken the night before I ended up starting spontaneous labor with Fraser who was born on the 20th of August, something in the air must have told me it was time.
As so many of you now know our back story to starting our family and the loss, trauma and grief not only myself but Ben have been through in the last five and a bit years, this post is a reflective one for me and one to say, look how far you've come mumma.
Five and a bit years ago, my life, my heart, my soul, my everything was turned upside when we lost our Elle and Meg. The knee jerk reaction to that event occurring and the onset of PTSD and triggers to OCD behaviours of ritualistic superstitious thoughts, were catastrophic to a vintage loving persons wardrobe. Bar a few and I mean a very few items in my wardrobe I owned, every other stitch of clothing I owned and had collected over years was thrown away, gone forever, never to be seen again. You might gasp at the thought, but that was just the tip of my raving insanity of grief, PTSD and OCD at the time.
As many of you can probably attest building or even re-establishing a vintage and a uniquely thrifted wardrobe takes time, you can't click your fingers and in a days worth of shopping be ready to go. Curating a vintage wardrobe takes time and patience, much like the healing process. Although I attempted to try and start rebuilding my vintage wardrobe after losing Elle and Meg, when it came to photographing my changing body through Cohen and Sarah's pregnancy I couldn't do it, I wouldn't let people take pictures of me. As a result I have no progress pictures to reflect back on with their pregnancies. I was messed up in epic ways battling internal demons who told me if I did take photos bad things would happen again to us. So sadly there are no beautiful pregnancy photo shoots that were had with their pregnancies, there's nothing which is plain sad.
But we are here now after years of professional therapy along with me having immersed myself in my passions and interests, I am where I am today. I won't say healed, I'll say healing, I'll be forever healing. But I'm stronger, braver, more determined, more driven and more purposeful for what has happened to me. This below is my big brave stance to my demons, to say that I will not have you rob me of my last chance to cherish every last minute of this pregnancy and to have something to look back on.
This picture is for me, but I'm sharing it with you all, as scary as it is to make myself vulnerable in doing so. But it's a totem to my journey and a reminder and a mirror, that says look at you now mumma! Look how far you've come! You keep on living your passion with your sweet girls in your heart, you rebuild that wardrobe of yours, you deserve it and more than anything else you are abundantly blessed.
Labels: family, Life & Style, Personal Life, Personal Style, Pregnancy Loss