The one post of the year that is my honor to my twin girls Elle and Meg and an insight to my journey to being an angel mumma along with the impact it has had and continues to have on my life every single day.
So much has happened in seven years, in fact it's seven years ago to this very day that two sweet angels went to another worldly realm, and the birth of new life arrived to. The birth of a new life I speak of, is the birth of a new me and a new everyday, a new way of being, living and loving.
If you're familiar with Rudolph Steiner, the Waldorf education founder and philosopher beliefs that we live our lives in seven year cycles where we go through immense emotional, mental, spiritual changes and growth, it'll help you in understanding how I feel about my life and the journeys we've had.
Daily we travel through extraordinary change and as result we take the every day for granted and miss out on the nuances of change happening within us. If you cast your mind back to seven years ago, can you say you're the same emotionally, mentally, spiritually as you are today? Or has life's experiences, moments and learning's changed you?
When Ben and I started trying for a baby all those years ago now, I had been in a phase (or life cycle) if you will where I was yearning for more out of life, I was longing for a time and space to nurture. I wanted to nurture another being as well as nurture other desires, hopes and dreams that laid within me. I wanted life to take me on a new path and I was willing to see where it would lead us.
Fortunately for Ben and I, once we decided it was time to fill our desires to start a family we only had to look at each other for a positive pregnancy test. Nothing could have prepared us for what happened seven years ago the excitement, laughter and thrill of being told we were expecting such unique identical twins (mono-mono). But then months later, halfway through our pregnancy to have our world turn upside and have the single most horrific and traumatising experience and series of events happen, and in the blink of an eye go from feeling my babies move inside of me to have them being born and knowing that this was not the beginning but the end of something.
In that moment it was the end of a sacred hopeful blessing and the birth of something else; it was a birth of me with a deep primal experience which from that moment has been the internal driving force that built with momentum through my grief journey, to push on and live a life with purpose like never before.
Like Steiner speaks about in his writings, I am certainly not the person I was May 25th 2008. I don't think you'd all recognose her either. I am a forever changed but I am stronger, more resilient, more determined and a more focused person. My thoughts every day are peppered with thoughts of Elle and Meg and the occasional day dream of what would it have been like. But the reality is that they reside in a celestial place guiding me through my mothering of their earthly siblings every day. They are my driving force and reminder in everything to be the best I can be to their earthbound siblings.
My girls have given me a strength and fearless attitude and confidence that I struggle to see how I would have attained if it was not for my experience in carrying them, birthing them, grieving them and loving them. I have a life full as can be of blessings and dreams that I have chased down and held onto because of my journey with them. If it wasn't for them and what I have learnt along the way, I'm not sure I would see the world so beautifully and appreciatively as I do now.
I know that despite the most traumatising of experiences that life can and will still hold mircales and blessings. Thank you my sweet darlings I feel you in my every day and in every way, you are both my driving force in all that I do, the way I live, the way I love, the way I work, the way I dream.
Mummy loves you.
Labels: Personal Life, Pregnancy Loss